Monday, July 15, 2013

Cocooning Letter


Dear Family & Friends,

After almost two years, our precious Abram is finally coming home!  We know that each of you receiving this letter has, in some way, supported, loved and prayed for us.  He has no idea what an incredible group of family and friends await him! We will be leaving on Tuesday, July 16 to fly to Beijing. Our "Gothca Day" is July 22... that is when we will meet Abram for the first time and he will be given to us! We are asking that you keep us in your prayers while we are gone. Our prayer requests are for God's peace for us and Abram as he goes through this huge transition, wisdom as we become parents for the first time, and one specific prayer is that Stephanie doesn't get motion sick during our many travels in China.  Thank you in advance for your prayers! 

We would like to invite you to the San Jose International Airport to meet Abram when we arrive on Saturday, August 3, 2013.  We will arrive at 11:10am on United flight 9659 from Narita (Tokyo). Remember, we have to go through customs and immigration, so we will be delayed for a little while. We would love to see you at the airport!!

As ecstatic as we are about Abram entering our lives, it is also an uncertain time as we anticipate how he will adjust to his new family and surroundings.  As many of you know, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is very real and something we have to be proactively on our guard against.  Because of this reality and because of your care for Abram and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip you to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation - emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need, communicates that need, and the primary caretaker (usually mom) meets the need and soothes the child.  This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby - which teaches him that this person is safe and can be trusted.  By God's very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents ultimately gives children a trust for and empathy towards others.

Obviously, children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process as the loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts.  The good news is that we can now rebuild attachment and help him heal from these emotional wounds!  As we hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed him, we can forge the missing parent/child bond.  As this process repeats between us, Abram will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply.  We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection and once Abram starts to establish this important bond he will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.  In many ways, Abram will be like other children who enter a family through birth; we will parent like other Christian families as we bring him up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord.  But initially there will be a few, key differences.  Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our Abram settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:

Setting physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if you limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Abram. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Abram should know that the people with whom he interacts are our trusted family and friends.

Redirecting Abram.  Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults and may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are "very friendly" but this is actually quite dangerous for the child.  As a result, until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection or comfort.

Limiting New Stimuli.  Specifically we will limit visitors staying at our home to no more than 20-30 minutes for the first 6 weeks and we will limit our outings so as not to overwhelm his senses with new stimuli all at once.  Additionally, since our goal is to be the only ones to meet Abram’s needs during this initial time, this might mean that you won’t see us at normal functions for awhile... we don’t want to confuse Abram by leaving him in child care.

To be honest, the boundaries we have set will be difficult at times, it would be easier to ignore the education and research-- we want nothing more than for you to be able to hold and love on Abram, but we are absolutely convinced, however, that this is what is best for him in the long run.  As we begin this new phase of our journey, please know that we appreciate you and how much we covet your support and encouragement.  Also, please don't forget to check our website (www.candsmorris.blogspot.com) for updates and pictures!  We have attached a short video and two articles about attachment and bonding if you want to learn more about this process and why it is necessary for adoptive children.

We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us; we couldn't ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious Abram.  Thank you so much for your love and support over the past several years.  If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time!

With MUCH love and gratitude,
Chris and Stephanie






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